About Xanster82 : Fatty.
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Xanster82's favorite FMLs
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML
by Aether / 05/03/2009 at 5:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Transportation
Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML
by danggit3290 / 05/03/2009 at 1:17pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML
by Lootz / 05/03/2009 at 1:10pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML
by Anonymous / 05/03/2009 at 1:35am / United States (Missouri) / Transportation
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML
by Sick / 05/02/2009 at 12:56am / United States (Florida) / Health
Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML
by systeminitiated / 05/02/2009 at 12:55am / Canada / Miscellaneous
Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML
by KMilly / 05/01/2009 at 2:42pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation
Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML
by Anonymous / 05/01/2009 at 2:36pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML
by chelle / 05/01/2009 at 1:40pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by DudeManBro69 / 05/01/2009 at 9:15am / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation
Today, I was babysitting a four year old. He was mad and began hitting me. I told him to use his words not his fists when he's mad. He then began telling me how much he hated me and that I should go die and never come back. FML
by GirlinGreen / 04/29/2009 at 9:34pm / United States (Washington) / Kids
Today, trying to make my 6 year old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word "toot". My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say "daddy taught me how to draw butts." FML
by Anonymous / 04/29/2009 at 6:12am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids
by Mars / 04/29/2009 at 5:40am / United States (California) / Health
by fat_thighs / 04/29/2009 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Health
Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML
by Anonymous / 04/28/2009 at 8:05pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous