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Turkeypants

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Turkeypants
  • Town/Country : Canada
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 81
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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Turkeypants's favorite FMLs

Today, my cat peed on my bra. I didn't realize this until after I arrived at work for my 12-hour shift. Now I'm trying to wash my bra out in the sink and stuff paper towels down it to soak up the moisture. Only 10 more hours to go, and the smell of cat pee is still lingering. FML

#20185014
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19382) - you deserved it (3892)

On 11/30/2012 at 3:33am - work - by onlyslightly (woman) - United States

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

#20184947
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21822) - you deserved it (5143)

On 11/30/2012 at 1:30am - misc - by Awks - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

#20184636
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29247) - you deserved it (8467)

On 11/29/2012 at 10:00pm - misc - by lizzard0416 - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

#20177662
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16288) - you deserved it (6878)

On 11/25/2012 at 1:56am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

#20144136
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5416) - you deserved it (21284)

On 11/02/2012 at 7:35am - work - by Hornymuch (woman) - Germany

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

#20131351
268 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16146) - you deserved it (43981)

On 10/24/2012 at 2:26pm - love - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

#20131002
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23135) - you deserved it (2037)

On 10/24/2012 at 7:14am - misc - by bill - United States (Maryland)

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

#20129928
271 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23728) - you deserved it (7634)

On 10/23/2012 at 3:12pm - intimacy - by Andrew - United States

Today, I went to my local Walmart to grab a few groceries, and while at the checkout line I grabbed two chocolate bars for a snack. The cashier gave me a look and mumbled under her breath, "Surprise, surprise." I'm pregnant, asshole. FML

#20129288
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26177) - you deserved it (4308)

On 10/23/2012 at 12:21am - misc - by bunintheoven (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

#20115885
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25081) - you deserved it (3649)

On 10/14/2012 at 12:24am - intimacy - by Light Sleeper - United States (Indiana)

Today, after a great first date, he leaned in to kiss me. I held my breath slightly. This resulted in me breathing out through my nose, blowing a huge snot bubble, which then burst on his face. He looked at me in horror and walked away. FML

#20106995
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22945) - you deserved it (4755)

On 10/08/2012 at 3:14am - love - by stoych (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML

#20105380
254 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28528) - you deserved it (6152)

On 10/07/2012 at 6:25am - intimacy - by SoSexy (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was sitting on a rather small, uncomfortable bean bag while my friend was sitting on a nice chair. She asked if I wanted to switch seats, not so I could be more comfortable, but because she thought I was too fat and that I would burst the bean bag. FML

#20105161
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14607) - you deserved it (3987)

On 10/07/2012 at 1:03am - misc - by Anonymous - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML

#20098094
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31651) - you deserved it (2172)

On 10/02/2012 at 7:52am - intimacy - by Jake (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

#20096195
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20815) - you deserved it (5895)

On 10/01/2012 at 12:23am - love - by SorryUncleTommy (woman) - United States (New York)



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