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SamSwebb's favorite FMLs
Today, while trying to sleep, I heard what sounded like someone breaking into my house. I ran downstairs, only to find my cat had ripped down my blinds and was tangled up in them, thrashing around the floor like a fish. FML
by Sarah1330 / 02/24/2015 at 11:33pm / United States / Animals
Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML
by Anonymous / 02/21/2015 at 9:20am / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML
by jessybear777 / 02/14/2015 at 10:41pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
Today, my grandma rushed into my work and told my manager I had to leave due to a family emergency. Panicked, I ran to get my stuff and ran to the car. When I asked what had happened, she replied, "I needed someone to go see 50 Shades of Grey with me." FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2015 at 8:27pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML
by jostertoaster12 / 02/13/2015 at 3:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 02/04/2015 at 11:06am / Netherlands / Love
by Anonymous / 02/03/2015 at 1:23pm / United States (Wyoming) / Love
Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML
by Anonymous / 01/31/2015 at 12:38am / United States (Texas) / Love
by tipmeover / 01/28/2015 at 8:09am / Ireland (Dublin) / Work
Today, a weird friend of my father's decided to visit us. Our house isn't very big, so when he went to the bathroom, I could hear everything. He didn't wash his hands after a massive dump, and when he came out of the bathroom he patted my face. FML
by texasrose921 / 01/26/2015 at 6:29am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
by Orgasmataz / 01/25/2015 at 5:10pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy
by fartje / 01/25/2015 at 1:21pm / Netherlands / Work
by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 4:40pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love
Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML
by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 2:57am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML
by nosexforthee / 01/23/2015 at 2:25pm / United States (Texas) / Kids
- 1Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had… 2Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went… 3Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation…