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Ratstroke's favorite FMLs
Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML
by RuinedTheMood / 09/21/2014 at 1:11am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by littleteapot / 09/04/2014 at 10:47pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML
by JackieD / 08/25/2014 at 2:05pm / United States (Washington) / Kids
Today, I had some painful gas at work, so I tried to silently ease it out. It was silent all right; silent, and so deadly that someone exclaimed, "What the fuck?!" My coworkers traced it back to me. Now they're all pointing their mini desk fans in my direction to make a point. FML
by Anonymous / 08/19/2014 at 5:54pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML
by humdrummitydrum / 08/19/2014 at 4:46pm / United States / Health
Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML
by Anonymous / 08/19/2014 at 2:16pm / United States (Arizona) / Love
Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML
by drunk under 18 teenager / 08/19/2014 at 9:37am / Morocco (Marrakech-Tensift-Al Haouz) / Geek
by Degueusement / 08/18/2014 at 12:48am / Intimacy
by ugh thanks / 08/17/2014 at 12:40pm / United States (Ohio) / Love
by HauntedTwilight / 08/14/2014 at 9:09pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Health
Today, while taking out the trash, I swung the bag back and forth, which caused it to slide across my leg. An opened aluminum can inside the bag ended up slicing through my calf, causing heavy bleeding. Baked beans sent me to the hospital. FML
by winstonweigand / 08/14/2014 at 6:40pm / United States (Washington) / Health
by WickedRene / 08/01/2014 at 9:57pm / United States (New York) / Kids
by paywithpoop / 06/22/2014 at 11:10am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML
by Anonymous / 06/21/2014 at 3:57pm / Australia / Health
Today, I was at the sandwich shop I work in. A customer came in and requested an assorted sub. As I finished putting on the sauces, I looked up to see the customer's face set in horror. Apparently I didn't notice that I licked my fingers clean after getting some mayonnaise on them. FML
by flufee2 / 04/22/2014 at 10:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
- Today, my mom had to go to one of her relatives’ funeral. She came to borrow a black scarf from me,… Today, I was talking with my slightly skinflint girlfriend, who just moved in with me. “I think you… Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he…