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Monster27's favorite FMLs
by disappointedjamaican / 08/31/2014 at 2:44pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML
by wowzer / 08/28/2014 at 3:58pm / Puerto Rico / Love
Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML
by Anonymous / 08/27/2014 at 5:50pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML
by Anonymous / 08/20/2014 at 5:03pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML
by Anonymous / 08/13/2014 at 11:02pm / New Zealand / Kids
Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML
by Anonymous / 08/09/2014 at 3:29pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 08/09/2014 at 9:31am / United States (Ohio) / Kids
Today, I hugged my dad. Since I don't hug him very much, he was confused. When I pulled away from him, smiling, he slapped me, saying the smiling and the hug made it look like I was "up to something." FML
by teentee401 / 07/07/2014 at 1:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
by whoops / 05/25/2014 at 5:23pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML
by Felicityfrank / 05/01/2014 at 10:17am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals
by Anonymous / 04/17/2014 at 10:55pm / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 04/14/2014 at 4:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML
by Anonymous / 03/31/2014 at 1:15pm / Japan (Hyogo) / Kids
by Anonymous / 03/18/2014 at 5:31pm / United States (Texas) / Work
Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML
by SarahNB / 03/01/2014 at 4:09pm / United States (Utah) / Money