About KeyserSoze79 : Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
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KeyserSoze79's favorite FMLs
Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML
by Ban Hammered / 05/25/2016 at 6:35am / United States (New York) / Kids
by Alex White / 05/02/2016 at 12:50pm / Canada (Alberta) / Animals
by BenFiggy / 04/21/2016 at 9:28am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids
Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML
by John_Elvis / 04/08/2016 at 11:30pm / United States (Indiana) / Love
Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML
by fresh single / 04/03/2016 at 3:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by singlemam / 03/14/2016 at 9:51pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids
by cutiecuppiecakez / 02/29/2016 at 4:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 02/27/2016 at 2:27am / Japan (Saitama) / Intimacy
by leahrb / 02/24/2016 at 1:55pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
by notagoodtime / 02/06/2016 at 3:52pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Spooderman / 02/03/2016 at 9:04pm / United States / Kids
by VisceralWolf / 01/26/2016 at 1:35am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML
by Anonymous / 01/21/2016 at 9:21pm / Canada (Quebec) / Kids
Today, I finally realized the toll working as a cashier 5 days a week during the holidays does to your psyche. I just said "Welcome To Walgreens", out of pure reflex, to my cat as she walked into my kitchen. FML
by Deweyboy / 12/21/2015 at 1:01pm / United States / Work
Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML
by wellfuckyoutoo / 11/24/2015 at 12:45pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids