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KeyserSoze79

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KeyserSoze79

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Sydney, United States
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Monday 17 December 1979 (36 years)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 1351
  • Number of comments : 5
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About KeyserSoze79 : Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

KeyserSoze79's page activity

Visits<b>EuphoriaYellow</b> - the 12/07/2015 at 8:21am<b>mebad</b> - the 10/22/2015 at 7:36am<b>SomeMessengerGuy</b> - the 08/15/2015 at 2:40pm<b>ajilon7</b> - the 08/05/2015 at 4:32pm<b>heyitscoley</b> - the 07/07/2015 at 5:39pm<b>stuckintime</b> - the 01/19/2015 at 6:59am<b>geri665</b> - the 11/12/2014 at 7:19am<b>Llama_Face89</b> - the 11/09/2014 at 6:10am<b>Door_Productions</b> - the 11/08/2014 at 9:38pm

KeyserSoze79's FML badges

The Mixer

You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.

Santa Claus

You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!

Checking you out

You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.

See all of KeyserSoze79's badges

KeyserSoze79's favorite FMLs

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

#21523419
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21840) - you deserved it (3842)

On 02/06/2016 at 3:52pm - intimacy - by notagoodtime - United States (California)

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

#21522558
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22369) - you deserved it (2139)

On 02/03/2016 at 9:04pm - kids - by Spooderman (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend wasn't kidding when she said that if I hit her cervix just the 'right' way during sex, she'd puke. I was on the bottom. FML

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

#21517961
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21548) - you deserved it (2025)

On 01/21/2016 at 9:21pm - kids - by Anonymous - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I finally realized the toll working as a cashier 5 days a week during the holidays does to your psyche. I just said "Welcome To Walgreens", out of pure reflex, to my cat as she walked into my kitchen. FML

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

#21496255
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24492) - you deserved it (1593)

On 11/24/2015 at 12:45pm - kids - by wellfuckyoutoo - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

#21488577
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22115) - you deserved it (2707)

On 11/04/2015 at 10:32pm - misc - by dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML

#21480933
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22027) - you deserved it (7349)

On 10/16/2015 at 11:29pm - health - by scorned ex -

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

#21452247
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26604) - you deserved it (2333)

On 08/05/2015 at 1:35pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

#21446728
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13486) - you deserved it (25138)

On 07/24/2015 at 8:59pm - work - by suspended (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, while working security at my job, for the second time, a man with Down's Syndrome entered the store, went to one of the demo computers, opened YouTube, pulled up a video of oiled women wrestling and jerked off. There is no protocol in the handbook for how to deal with this scenario. FML

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

#21441553
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23277) - you deserved it (2616)

On 07/14/2015 at 1:59pm - kids - by Andrew - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML

#21439786
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26802) - you deserved it (3781)

On 07/10/2015 at 10:42pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML

#21435969
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30175) - you deserved it (2096)

On 07/03/2015 at 5:29pm - intimacy - by but cum to think of it... (man) -



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