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  • Town/Country : Sydney, United States
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Monday 17 December 1979 (35 years)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 1268
  • Number of comments : 5
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About KeyserSoze79 : Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

KeyserSoze79's page activity

Visits<b>mebad</b> - the 10/22/2015 at 7:36am<b>SomeMessengerGuy</b> - the 08/15/2015 at 2:40pm<b>ajilon7</b> - the 08/05/2015 at 4:32pm<b>heyitscoley</b> - the 07/07/2015 at 5:39pm<b>EuphoriaYellow</b> - the 06/05/2015 at 12:01pm<b>stuckintime</b> - the 01/19/2015 at 6:59am<b>geri665</b> - the 11/12/2014 at 7:19am<b>Llama_Face89</b> - the 11/09/2014 at 6:10am<b>Door_Productions</b> - the 11/08/2014 at 9:38pm

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KeyserSoze79's favorite FMLs

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML


I agree, your life sucks (16967) - you deserved it (1092)

On 11/24/2015 at 12:45pm - kids - by wellfuckyoutoo - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML


I agree, your life sucks (20357) - you deserved it (2536)

On 11/04/2015 at 10:32pm - misc - by dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML


I agree, your life sucks (21482) - you deserved it (7177)

On 10/16/2015 at 11:29pm - health - by scorned ex -

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML


I agree, your life sucks (26207) - you deserved it (2306)

On 08/05/2015 at 1:35pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML


I agree, your life sucks (13294) - you deserved it (24708)

On 07/24/2015 at 8:59pm - work - by suspended (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, while working security at my job, for the second time, a man with Down's Syndrome entered the store, went to one of the demo computers, opened YouTube, pulled up a video of oiled women wrestling and jerked off. There is no protocol in the handbook for how to deal with this scenario. FML

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML


I agree, your life sucks (22843) - you deserved it (2567)

On 07/14/2015 at 1:59pm - kids - by Andrew - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML


I agree, your life sucks (26461) - you deserved it (3740)

On 07/10/2015 at 10:42pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML


I agree, your life sucks (29176) - you deserved it (2016)

On 07/03/2015 at 5:29pm - intimacy - by but cum to think of it... (man) -

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML


I agree, your life sucks (27770) - you deserved it (3719)

On 07/03/2015 at 4:51pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML


I agree, your life sucks (32407) - you deserved it (2347)

On 06/26/2015 at 9:21pm - work - by Idiot says "HIPAA violation" (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML


I agree, your life sucks (26975) - you deserved it (4764)

On 06/21/2015 at 8:50pm - misc - by ssondik - United States (Connecticut)

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML


I agree, your life sucks (37232) - you deserved it (2867)

On 06/17/2015 at 10:12am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML


I agree, your life sucks (37159) - you deserved it (6275)

On 06/14/2015 at 9:41am - kids - by afather - United States (South Dakota)

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