About Kandyland : My life is completely f*ed.
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Kandyland's favorite FMLs
by Epiphany / 07/19/2012 at 5:01am / United States / Health
Today, I saw a large spider carry away the body of a dead spider in the bathroom. In my anthropology class, we learned one of the first signs of civilization is caring for the dead. First, they become civilized, and next, they take over. I will never sleep again. FML
by BloodFaerie / 06/30/2012 at 2:49am / United States (Georgia) / Animals
Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML
by Anonymous / 06/26/2012 at 5:10pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML
by bronieswillrule5eva / 06/11/2012 at 2:16pm / Canada (Prince Edward Island) / Work
Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML
by Anonymous / 06/04/2012 at 2:21pm / United States (Mississippi) / Love
Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML
by cunting cunts / 05/29/2012 at 1:10pm / United Kingdom (Ealing) / Transportation
Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML
by kirsty / 04/08/2012 at 1:18pm / Canada (Alberta) / Money
by Amber C / 04/06/2012 at 11:41pm / United States / Love
by GetHardOrGoHome / 03/31/2012 at 12:22am / United States (Ohio) / Health
Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML
by unwanted / 12/23/2011 at 9:24pm / United States (Florida) / Love
by metallicatime / 12/15/2011 at 10:16pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for a familiar reason; I apparently have night terrors that make me "Impossible to sleep in the same room with." I don't ever remember these dreams. Every other girlfriend I've had has ended up breaking things off with me for the same reason. FML
by Anonymous / 12/09/2011 at 9:55pm / Canada / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML
by Dante178 / 12/08/2011 at 3:41pm / United States (California) / Money
by Rash / 12/06/2011 at 11:54am / United States (New York) / Animals
by mademoiselleaus / 12/06/2011 at 7:26am / Australia / Work
- Today, I woke up and called my boyfriend. We had amazing phone sex, even better because no one was… Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling… Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I…