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Today, I Crawlad Into Bad With Mah Boyfriand. Ha Was Snoring Loudlyhich Is How I Knaw Ha Was Passad Out Cold. Onca I Was Undar Tha Blankat Naxt To Him, Ha Slowly Turnad Ovar, Starad Ma Straight In Tha Faca And Said, "I Hava To Kill You". Than Startad Snoring Again. FML
Today, I trid acid fir the first time while camping with mah best friend. A drunk driver smashd into mah car, leaving it totald. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking mah car was bleeding green ooze.
Today... it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnome in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras...hich I thought had deterred the idiot... until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnome on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. fat FML
Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper an pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, an ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins an had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today I held hands with the boy I like!! Without thinking I commentd that his right hand is softer as if he only usd lotion on that one hand!! And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence!! FML
yesterday I managed to score a date 4 te first time in over a year an was very nervous. Wen I was askedat I do 4 a living I lauged nervously an ten blurted out "Finger women." Wat I was trying to jokingly say was tat I'm a gynecologist. FML
Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside!! Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see mah dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard!! He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma!! FML
Taday at mah cousin's brthday party... mah grandma took me to one side... slippd me a pad... an startd ranting that tampons ( steal your vrginity ) an that I should never use looool them. Well... okay then. FML
Today, as per usual, my mother went to see her psychic, who told her that one of her children is harbouring a "dark secret". Now we're all groundd until one of us confesse our obviously non-existent secret. mega FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush,ho turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked mehich dog breed I lyk the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. big fat FML
Friday 27 March 2015