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Googolman's favorite FMLs
Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML
by Anonymous / 02/20/2015 at 2:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Health
Today, my grandma rushed into my work and told my manager I had to leave due to a family emergency. Panicked, I ran to get my stuff and ran to the car. When I asked what had happened, she replied, "I needed someone to go see 50 Shades of Grey with me." FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2015 at 8:27pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by jackskellington / 02/10/2015 at 11:34pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals
by OnlyAvailableID / 02/08/2015 at 3:35am / Australia / Animals
by 11Karma11 / 02/04/2015 at 6:35pm / United Kingdom / Work
by Sprinkles / 02/04/2015 at 2:44am / Australia / Miscellaneous
by bruhandbutercup / 02/02/2015 at 7:08pm / United States (Maryland) / Work
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
by The Soul Of A Damned Queef / 01/30/2015 at 11:04pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 01/30/2015 at 5:51am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Work
Today, I had a one night stand. After holding in my farts all night as is done, I decided enough was enough and to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out instead I shit myself in her bed. I was naked at the time so was unable to hide it. FML
by Anonymous / 01/29/2015 at 4:17pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy
Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML
by xoragebaby / 01/23/2015 at 8:29pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I was fired for "blatant, inexcusable racism". My boss had asked me which website background I preferred for our company, and I said that white backgrounds are usually best. He thinks that I believe in white supremacy, and that's bad for the company's image. FML
by Jem / 01/10/2015 at 10:02pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work
Today, I finally met my long-distance boyfriend of three years for the first time in person. After an amazing dinner and movie date, we went back to his house, only for him to dump me half an hour later. Not because I wouldn't have sex with him. No, his cat doesn't like me. FML
by dragonfyre73 / 01/06/2015 at 7:32pm / United States (California) / Animals
Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML
by KalaKa / 12/20/2014 at 3:45pm / United States / Love
Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML
by giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock / 12/19/2014 at 6:14pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy
- Today, while flying 2,000+ miles from New York to Salt Lake City, I realized that I forgot to ask… Today, during an extremely romantic moment of cuddling with my girlfriend she started to cry, turns… Today, it has been a week since I moved into my new house. Turns out that the previous owner of the…