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FlowerMama's favorite FMLs
Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML
by FMyBrain / 06/06/2014 at 5:26pm / United States (Alaska) / Health
by PsychoBillyGoat / 05/25/2014 at 8:47pm / United States (Alaska) / Animals
Today, I had to kick my own father out of my house after he started attacking my wife for breastfeeding our newborn son in the living room. All the way to the door, he ranted that "You don't see me whipping my dick out and pissing in front of everyone, do you?" FML
by Q / 05/20/2014 at 1:27pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by SeriouslyMakeItStop / 03/21/2014 at 7:09am / United States (Kentucky) / Health
Today, whilst getting out of the shower, I tripped on the lip of the siding, bruising my middle toe. I fell, and in doing so, squished my cat. She won't even make eye contact and keeps wheezing. I have a feeling she is plotting my death. FML
by Ashlynnlove / 02/10/2014 at 9:12am / United States / Animals
by sierraleeannee / 02/09/2014 at 1:44am / United States / Kids
by MymB612 / 12/24/2013 at 1:50am / Lebanon (Beyrouth) / Miscellaneous
by peacechick71 / 09/22/2013 at 7:30pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML
by jgtrflynn / 06/24/2013 at 12:37am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy
Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML
by what_the_hell / 06/20/2013 at 4:35am / Finland (Southern Finland) / Money
by whatno / 06/19/2013 at 7:40pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML
by future walmart employee / 05/21/2013 at 12:10am / United States (Illinois) / Work
Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML
by hotelbound / 05/20/2013 at 8:37pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up and went into my living room, only to be greeted by my aunt, sister, and mother watching a very graphic video showing women giving birth. They forced me to stay and watch it until the end. It was almost 90 minutes. FML
by dafuqdidisee / 05/19/2013 at 2:30am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML
by toothache / 05/14/2013 at 8:03am / United States (Illinois) / Health
- Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a… Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. Right after, he left the room and went to the bathroom to throw… Today, not only do I work as a garbage man, but I had to pick up a used, bloody tampon that someone…