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Offline (the 05/09/2016 at 3:38pm)



  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Thursday 28 December 1939 (76 years old)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 4003
  • Number of comments : 231
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 25 posted

About EvilTurtle : "Grab life by the tits and milk that bitch"

I'm not actually 76

EvilTurtle's page activity

Visits<b>Sayeret_Matkal</b> - the 11/01/2016 at 7:09pm<b>yellowpablo</b> - the 09/17/2016 at 9:22pm<b>magicviper1</b> - the 08/13/2016 at 1:18am<b>ImKimitheEmo</b> - the 07/19/2016 at 3:43pm<b>jelrid</b> - the 07/18/2016 at 2:22am<b>slapstick1982</b> - the 07/06/2016 at 12:47pm<b>Scotth901</b> - the 06/25/2016 at 12:59am<b>Ravenbird0072</b> - the 06/13/2016 at 1:04pm<b>cheyluvsturtles</b> - the 06/10/2016 at 12:51am<b>SixthSinEnvy</b> - the 05/27/2016 at 12:08am<b>FalloutScrolls</b> - the 05/11/2016 at 10:43pm<b>JETarchitect</b> - the 05/03/2016 at 2:52am<b>HeWhoIsNameless</b> - the 04/28/2016 at 9:41am<b>vitaminsad</b> - the 04/24/2016 at 3:43pm<b>Cumment</b> - the 04/11/2016 at 3:00am<b>fardggh</b> - the 04/04/2016 at 10:34pm<b>FitFriday</b> - the 04/01/2016 at 1:19pm<b>Katdurin</b> - the 03/25/2016 at 12:18am

Fucked!<b>Nomaddict</b> - the 02/23/2016 at 4:36am<b>crayon_chomper</b> - the 02/14/2016 at 1:33am<b>xivoricbutterfly</b> - the 02/11/2016 at 4:02pm<b>TheGamingGamer</b> - the 02/10/2016 at 4:05am<b>Marelena20</b> - the 01/31/2016 at 10:32am<b>khanyam</b> - the 01/30/2016 at 10:54pm<b>TheSmurgler</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 6:40pm<b>UnidentifiedFun</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 4:17pm<b>legendwolf</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 4:28am<b>magicviper1</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 12:56am<b>hellnosucka</b> - the 01/26/2016 at 10:04pm<b>phoneaddict13</b> - the 01/26/2016 at 9:00pm<b>holyshmolly</b> - the 01/26/2016 at 7:31pm<b>alexisaurus</b> - the 01/16/2016 at 6:05am<b>YBae</b> - the 01/12/2016 at 5:42pm<b>Tenker</b> - the 01/12/2016 at 6:19am<b>R2Y2</b> - the 01/11/2016 at 8:41pm<b>HighlandShadows</b> - the 01/07/2016 at 4:42am

EvilTurtle's FML badges

Happy Ending

Brandon may have an FML, but he ended up marrying Jessica. You found this out by reading “FML, the follow up.”

YDI master

That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.

I’m your new creative director

You had to give your opinion on this new “piece” that the whole world is talking about.

See all of EvilTurtle's badges

EvilTurtle's favorite FMLs

Today, the only thing that kept me hard during sex with my wife was thinking about my own naked body. FML

by weirdoe / 02/07/2016 at 4:17am / Italy (Sicilia) / Intimacy

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

by TheMike23 / 01/11/2016 at 12:28am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML

by anne / 01/07/2016 at 7:00am / Germany / Intimacy

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 11:54am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

by Anonymous / 11/23/2015 at 9:19am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2015 at 11:09am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML

by haunted / 10/23/2015 at 4:41pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

by Anonymous / 10/23/2015 at 4:10pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Intimacy

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

by Gassy / 09/21/2015 at 10:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

by pansypup / 09/02/2015 at 10:30pm / United States (New Mexico) / Animals

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2015 at 2:32am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Love

Today, I am 1,000 days sober and drug-free. I suffer from depression and I am craving terribly. I have a migraine and a bladder infection. And I can deal with all of this. But what I can't deal with is my dipshit coworker asking if I want to go out for drinks and snort cocaine to celebrate. FML

by Tattoo_Freak / 08/14/2015 at 7:08am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

by HAIL SITHIS / 07/24/2015 at 2:54pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

by baberuth / 06/19/2015 at 6:21pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous