Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

EvilTurtle

Online | Search for a member

EvilTurtle

163Fucked!

EvilTurtleEvilTurtle
  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Thursday 28 December 1939 (76 years)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 2943
  • Number of comments : 228
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 25 posted

About EvilTurtle : "Grab life by the tits and milk that bitch"



I'm not actually 76

EvilTurtle's page activity

Visits<b>ballsacks33</b> - the 02/03/2016 at 1:24am<b>Jake42100</b> - the 02/02/2016 at 7:36am<b>wonandonly</b> - the 02/01/2016 at 10:50pm<b>purplhaze88</b> - the 02/01/2016 at 4:50pm<b>MissDarkness</b> - the 02/01/2016 at 2:20am<b>lightning20</b> - the 01/31/2016 at 12:45pm<b>Marelena20</b> - the 01/31/2016 at 4:32am<b>PinkiePiePony</b> - the 01/31/2016 at 12:24am<b>damnfam</b> - the 01/30/2016 at 11:26pm<b>khanyam</b> - the 01/30/2016 at 4:53pm<b>Hieroglyph</b> - the 01/29/2016 at 5:23pm<b>TrickyDeath</b> - the 01/29/2016 at 4:50pm<b>iG_08</b> - the 01/29/2016 at 3:29am<b>suicyanide</b> - the 01/28/2016 at 10:16am<b>slickrick6669</b> - the 01/28/2016 at 8:32am<b>Paris25</b> - the 01/28/2016 at 3:45am<b>itsalie</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 10:35pm<b>catchmypanties</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 9:52pm

Fucked!<b>Marelena20</b> - the 01/31/2016 at 10:32am<b>khanyam</b> - the 01/30/2016 at 10:54pm<b>TheSmurgler</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 6:40pm<b>UnidentifiedFun</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 4:17pm<b>legendwolf</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 4:28am<b>magicviper1</b> - the 01/27/2016 at 12:56am<b>hellnosucka</b> - the 01/26/2016 at 10:04pm<b>phoneaddict13</b> - the 01/26/2016 at 9:00pm<b>holyshmolly</b> - the 01/26/2016 at 7:31pm<b>alexisaurus</b> - the 01/16/2016 at 6:05am<b>YBae</b> - the 01/12/2016 at 5:42pm<b>Tenker</b> - the 01/12/2016 at 6:19am<b>R2Y2</b> - the 01/11/2016 at 8:41pm<b>HighlandShadows</b> - the 01/07/2016 at 4:42am<b>Kuibe</b> - the 12/22/2015 at 10:08pm<b>jsixx_2541</b> - the 12/22/2015 at 12:23am<b>Firegirl741</b> - the 12/20/2015 at 9:40am<b>katrinakalnikov</b> - the 12/20/2015 at 7:02am

EvilTurtle's FML badges

YDI master

That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.

I’m your new creative director

You had to give your opinion on this new “piece” that the whole world is talking about.

Keen reader – Level: student ninja

You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

See all of EvilTurtle's badges

EvilTurtle's favorite FMLs

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

#21513803
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19299) - you deserved it (2097)

On 01/11/2016 at 12:28am - misc - by TheMike23 (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML

#21512451
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28353) - you deserved it (3302)

On 01/07/2016 at 7:00am - intimacy - by anne (woman) - Germany

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

#21508063
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23938) - you deserved it (1643)

On 12/26/2015 at 11:54am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

#21495827
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23698) - you deserved it (8813)

On 11/23/2015 at 9:19am - intimacy - by Anonymous - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

#21485396
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22941) - you deserved it (2899)

On 10/28/2015 at 11:09am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML

#21483477
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25008) - you deserved it (2286)

On 10/23/2015 at 4:41pm - misc - by haunted (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

#21483470
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35228) - you deserved it (2194)

On 10/23/2015 at 4:10pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (New Brunswick)

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

#21470966
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29276) - you deserved it (2981)

On 09/21/2015 at 10:45am - misc - by Gassy - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

#21463927
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24140) - you deserved it (2042)

On 09/02/2015 at 10:30pm - animals - by pansypup - United States (New Mexico)

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

#21457909
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28614) - you deserved it (4397)

On 08/19/2015 at 2:32am - love - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Saskatchewan)

Today, I am 1,000 days sober and drug-free. I suffer from depression and I am craving terribly. I have a migraine and a bladder infection. And I can deal with all of this. But what I can't deal with is my dipshit coworker asking if I want to go out for drinks and snort cocaine to celebrate. FML

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

#21446581
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28262) - you deserved it (3033)

On 07/24/2015 at 2:54pm - misc - by HAIL SITHIS (woman) - United States

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

#21428714
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28278) - you deserved it (4100)

On 06/19/2015 at 6:21pm - misc - by baberuth - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

#21425871
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33879) - you deserved it (5006)

On 06/14/2015 at 9:41am - money - by Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)



Maïté Verjux's illustrated FML

The Artist's interview

All illustrated FMLs

FML's blog

  • Auntie Bernie delivers in 2016
  • Greetings my young friends! It's 2016 and I'm late. No, I'm not pregnant, I'm way too old for that sort of thing, even though I've been trying a lot recently (hey there Didier, you randy rascal…

Friday 5 February 2016

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: