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Esels_Hintern's favorite FMLs
by fuck off, eh! / 03/07/2014 at 4:25pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML
by onepussytwopussy / 03/07/2014 at 2:47pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Intimacy
by Catuser / 03/05/2014 at 10:09pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML
by booksandshadows / 03/04/2014 at 4:06am / United States (California) / Love
Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML
by Biologyfacepalm / 03/03/2014 at 2:58pm / United States / Work
by lacy / 03/01/2014 at 3:23am / United States (Kentucky) / Animals
Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML
by well SHIT / 02/27/2014 at 4:46pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 02/27/2014 at 9:34am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML
by housedoctor / 02/22/2014 at 6:01am / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Love
Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML
by Cuntface McGee / 02/21/2014 at 4:37pm / Romania (Cluj) / Miscellaneous
Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML
by BakedBat / 02/20/2014 at 11:10pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was struggling through small-talk at a party where I knew nobody. Tattoos came up and I started talking about trendy, girly tattoos like feathers, anchors and infinity signs with stupid words in them. Turns out the girl I was talking to had all three. FML
by thisismyawkwardface / 02/19/2014 at 2:17am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
by dating a pussy / 02/18/2014 at 4:15pm / United States (Tennessee) / Health
Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML
by Anonymous / 02/18/2014 at 11:31am / United States / Kids
by Anonymous / 02/17/2014 at 12:43pm / United States (Illinois) / Money
- Today, I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my… Today, I was hanging out with a few of my friends, including an old ex-girlfriend and her current… Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at,…