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Epalmss's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 03/14/2015 at 11:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML
by Anonymous / 02/28/2015 at 1:11pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML
by sammy18f / 02/23/2015 at 10:46pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by D: / 02/19/2015 at 3:45pm / United States (Colorado) / Money
by Anonymous / 01/30/2015 at 3:16pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML
by ehxtraordinarily pissed / 12/13/2014 at 1:36pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/05/2014 at 1:53pm / United States / Work
Today, less than a day after my cranky downstairs neighbor passed away, I woke up to banging sounds against his apartment ceiling, like the ones he used to make whenever I walked around during the night. I'm shitting myself in fear. FML
by mdsfkljsfsdrewr / 06/03/2014 at 3:01pm / Lebanon (Beyrouth) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to use "stranger danger". Later that day, we went out and since I didn't buy her a ice cream, she kept screaming "STRANGER DANGER!" A total stranger tackled me until the cops arrived. FML
by imnotastranger / 05/08/2014 at 11:01pm / Kids
Today, to teach my 14-year-old son a serious lesson for bullying a child at school again, I grounded him for the rest of the year. He just snorted and said, "Cool, I'll just jack off all year then! Thanks, mum!" and happily retreated to his bedroom. FML
by Satan's Mum / 05/06/2014 at 2:38pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
Today, I was at a party. Trying to overcome my social anxiety, I was trying to take part in conversations. So, when a girl mentioned she had a doctor's appointment next morning, I blurted out: "What kind of a doctor?" Everyone stared as she responded: "A gynaecologist." FML
by cocacola999 / 05/03/2014 at 6:38am / United Kingdom / Health
by loserman / 04/29/2014 at 6:40pm / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML
by god / 04/29/2014 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (West Lothian) / Miscellaneous
Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML
by brerj09 / 04/28/2014 at 9:35am / United States (Minnesota) / Work
by Sue Ellen / 04/21/2014 at 11:43am / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy