About Derpet : I am forever alone. Just go, now.
Derpet's FML badges
Checking you out
You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.
It’s in the can
Hey, you uploaded your photo, and you’re cute as a kitten!
That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.
Derpet's favorite FMLs
Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML
by Diachronic / 09/12/2014 at 4:05am / United States (Idaho) / Work
Today, my husband injured his back badly. He's taken three percocets, because according to him, he knows the dosage better than his doctor, and is demanding that I let him drive himself to work, with no pants on. FML
by jkim / 09/08/2014 at 1:56pm / United States (California) / Health
by littleteapot / 09/04/2014 at 10:47pm / United States / Intimacy
by A continent away / 09/02/2014 at 3:48pm / Estonia (Harjumaa) / Transportation
Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML
by Charlie529 / 02/19/2014 at 10:30am / South Africa (KwaZulu-Natal) / Health
Today, something ran across my foot while I was on the toilet. Hearing me scream, my husband ran in. We now have a new "pet" mouse named Jerry that I am not allowed to kill under threat of divorce. FML
by ZombiexIce / 02/09/2014 at 10:22pm / United States (California) / Animals
Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML
by Unknown / 02/07/2014 at 9:18am / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy
by cryface / 02/06/2014 at 11:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, while at a funeral for a distant family member, I was giving my condolences to the family. When one of them asked how I was doing, I replied with, "I'm still alive!", which is one of my standard responses due to being a cashier and being asked that question a hundred times a day. FML
by Merith2004 / 02/04/2014 at 12:18am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by jai90 / 02/03/2014 at 4:16pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Miscellaneous
Today, while in the prison I work at, I came down with severe digestion issues. Master control probably laughed as they watched me wait at the security gates in a cold sweat, squeezing my ass-cheeks together like an inmate smuggling contraband. FML
by TwistedCherub1 / 02/01/2014 at 5:42pm / United States / Work
by Anonymous / 01/25/2014 at 10:43am / United States (New York) / Love
by SirDirtyRedD / 01/24/2014 at 8:03pm / Iceland (Gullbringusysla) / Kids
Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML
by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 12:15am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by sickmom / 01/21/2014 at 6:07am / United States (Louisiana) / Kids
- Today, I was arriving at my grandmas and when I met her she asked "Where's your girlfriend?" I told… Today, I had to serve a man with a Nazi Eagle tattoo on one arm and an SS tattoo on the other, and… Today, a customer threw a cup of cole slaw at my face at the restaurant I work at for "not serving…