About DarkHelmet : USMC veteran, I laugh at EVERYTHING, I hate cops and I am the coolest mutha fucka you've ever met in your life!!!
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DarkHelmet's favorite FMLs
by trembelwick / 12/03/2011 at 5:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 09/01/2011 at 2:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids
Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
by Andrew / 08/23/2011 at 10:46am / United States / Intimacy
Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML
by kykynevs / 08/23/2011 at 3:14am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML
by shitless88 / 08/19/2011 at 8:23pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
by Anonymous / 08/17/2011 at 12:48am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/02/2011 at 5:28pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation
by Cowgirl_Up37 / 07/02/2011 at 4:54pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Braxam / 06/15/2011 at 12:42pm / United States / Health
Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML
by satisfied88 / 06/02/2011 at 10:49am / Intimacy
Today, I skipped school and stayed home without telling my parents. My mom came home on her lunch break with another man, and had sex in our living room. I'm stuck in my room, listening to my mom cheat on my dad. FML
by ali grace / 05/14/2011 at 7:15am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
by IhateThem / 05/14/2011 at 1:07am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/10/2011 at 1:07am / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy
by Albert06 / 03/14/2011 at 5:26pm / France / Love
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
by Anonymous / 03/06/2011 at 12:18am / United States / Miscellaneous
- Today, my sister and I were having a slumber party in my room since my parents left on a trip. They… Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a… Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't…
- Today, on my way home to Bordeaux after a weekend in Paris, I had the pleasure of being sat next to… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, I’m in Mexico for an internship. I was at a party when a drunk guy harangued me, calling me…