About DarkHelmet : USMC veteran, I laugh at EVERYTHING, I hate cops and I am the coolest mutha fucka you've ever met in your life!!!
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DarkHelmet's favorite FMLs
Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML
by Subliminal message / 01/19/2014 at 6:21pm / Switzerland / Intimacy
Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML
by Anonymous / 09/06/2013 at 6:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by dancekat / 04/08/2013 at 5:17am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by zombieguyswife / 06/28/2012 at 7:44pm / United States (Missouri) / Health
Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML
by Anonymous / 05/02/2012 at 6:41pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Health
by starboy / 03/10/2012 at 1:50am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Sharibabi65 / 03/07/2012 at 1:16am / United States / Intimacy
by KittenNomNom / 02/22/2012 at 2:40pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML
by kohler9790 / 02/21/2012 at 8:29pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by 97 / 02/17/2012 at 4:10pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML
by great / 02/10/2012 at 4:33pm / United States / Work
by Shameful / 01/18/2012 at 2:57pm / United States (Alabama) / Health
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I dated smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML
by Ryan / 12/20/2011 at 12:57pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML
by Notadrinkanddriveidiot / 12/07/2011 at 9:46am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML
by Anonymous / 12/06/2011 at 12:24pm / Miscellaneous
- Today, I’m in China, and I took my Golden Retriever to the groomer’s to get him cleaned up, because… Today, my mom had to go to one of her relatives’ funeral. She came to borrow a black scarf from me,… Today, I’m in Sweden. This morning, I went out to get the mail in my pajamas. Well, it doesn’t only…