About CobraLazerFace : Apparently you need 1000 comments to be able to use sarcasm here.
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CobraLazerFace's favorite FMLs
by lentmarz / 08/19/2014 at 7:37pm / United States (Idaho) / Love
Today, I had some painful gas at work, so I tried to silently ease it out. It was silent all right; silent, and so deadly that someone exclaimed, "What the fuck?!" My coworkers traced it back to me. Now they're all pointing their mini desk fans in my direction to make a point. FML
by Anonymous / 08/19/2014 at 5:54pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML
by humdrummitydrum / 08/19/2014 at 4:46pm / United States / Health
Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML
by drunk under 18 teenager / 08/19/2014 at 9:37am / Morocco (Marrakech-Tensift-Al Haouz) / Geek
Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML
by Anonymous / 08/18/2014 at 8:23pm / United Kingdom / Love
Today, I was waiting at a stop light in the left turn lane, when a homeless guy on the sidewalk walked up to my car with a, "Bet you can't hit me with a quarter" sign. The lady on my right decided to throw a quarter at him, but it missed and hit my windshield. She yelled, "Oh fuck!" and drove away. FML
by StephLo / 08/18/2014 at 5:25pm / United States (California) / Transportation
by embarrassed / 08/18/2014 at 12:39pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML
by I hate children / 08/18/2014 at 8:10am / United Kingdom (Liverpool) / Kids
Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML
by Etrius / 08/17/2014 at 11:19am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML
by you ripped them off ages ago / 08/17/2014 at 2:15am / United Kingdom (Derby) / Kids
by Sara777boo / 08/16/2014 at 2:43pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
by gag reflex / 08/16/2014 at 12:03pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
by bad birthdays / 08/16/2014 at 1:09am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML
by Anonymous / 08/15/2014 at 5:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
by emmamrose7 / 08/14/2014 at 11:36pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
- Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at… Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first… Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on…