About Classy_Turtle : Just some person. Currently pondering the universe in a box canyon in the middle of nowhere.
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Classy_Turtle's favorite FMLs
Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML
by toast / 03/25/2009 at 12:33pm / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Work
by Jesse / 03/20/2009 at 1:48am / United States (Kentucky) / Transportation
Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML
by ScoobieDoo / 03/20/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Washington) / Kids
Today, I was filling out paperwork with my new doctor. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, "What do you do?" I told her I normally did vaginal, but sometimes anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML
by whatdoyoudo / 03/16/2009 at 12:39am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML
by Yulia / 03/09/2009 at 6:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML
by saddude / 03/04/2009 at 2:03am / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy
by Grrrrr / 02/28/2009 at 7:50pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML
by tryena / 02/28/2009 at 5:59am / United States (Idaho) / Kids
Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML
by belladonna / 02/26/2009 at 5:21pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
by stillsingleladies / 02/17/2009 at 10:27am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
by offbeans / 02/16/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (California) / Kids
by peacock_mina19 / 02/10/2009 at 7:08pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML
by Noname / 02/03/2009 at 2:57pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by God hates me / 01/25/2009 at 7:14pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML
by f__k_it / 01/18/2009 at 11:30am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
- Today, my fiance threatened to break up with me because I said her sister couldn't afford to live… Today, I got home from work to my mom saying "we're going on a family holiday!!" I replied with "oh… Today, during math class I fell asleep and my crush got to see me create more drool on my desk in 5…