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Carrikins's favorite FMLs
Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were mostly naked, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissed her deeply and whispered into her ear, "You should lose some weight". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML
by Spooprfailed / 04/08/2014 at 1:32am / Canada (Manitoba) / Intimacy
Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML
by lamemom / 04/05/2014 at 6:05pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Kids
Today, I went to my crush's house. We were watching a movie when suddenly he started kissing me. As it deepened he began to feel around. He was groping my armpit the whole time but I was too embarrassed that my underarm could pass for my boobs to redirect him. FML
by armtits and big pits / 04/05/2014 at 3:14am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML
by Anonymous / 04/05/2014 at 12:04am / United States (New Mexico) / Kids
Today, my phone rang just seconds after I left a conference meeting to go use the restroom. It wouldn't have been a problem, except it seems one of my friends thought it would be funny to change my ringtone to a woman having an orgasm. FML
by King_of_hearts / 04/04/2014 at 7:46pm / United States (Indiana) / Work
Today, I met a really nice girl at a club, and we went back to my place. I was finally going to lose my virginity, but just as she started kissing me, I panicked and ended up fainting. When I came to, I was still clothed, and she was long gone. FML
by ohai ur hawt, wanna fuzzzZzZZzzZzz / 04/04/2014 at 7:20pm / Mexico (Distrito Federal) / Love
Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML
by kaheera4 / 04/04/2014 at 6:38pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Cult / 03/30/2014 at 10:27am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 03/30/2014 at 6:04am / United Kingdom (Havering) / Kids
by Anonymous / 03/28/2014 at 4:30pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML
by BigBlue / 03/19/2014 at 7:19pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by LeChameauTrisomique / 03/14/2014 at 12:33am / France (Centre) / Work
by Anonymous / 03/13/2014 at 5:34am / Australia / Intimacy
by CurtisWogan / 03/12/2014 at 6:23pm / United States (Georgia) / Work
Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML
by tayymeds / 03/12/2014 at 3:44am / United States (California) / Intimacy