About BTF989 : I am a pirate.
BTF989's FML badges
This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
I agree, their lives suck
200 votes confirming that their life is crap. It’s what the website is all about.
Checking you out
You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.
BTF989's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 09/20/2013 at 5:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML
by Anonymous / 09/15/2013 at 5:16pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by lifesucks0925 / 09/06/2013 at 3:01am / United States (California) / Work
Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML
by dear god help me. / 09/04/2013 at 6:46pm / United States (Hawaii) / Work
Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML
by Palindromesque / 09/04/2013 at 5:07am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by fartz / 08/31/2013 at 2:04am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML
by anditburnsburnsburns / 08/27/2013 at 2:13pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
by Anonymous / 07/20/2013 at 11:45am / United States (Delaware) / Work
Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML
by "people these days" / 07/19/2013 at 4:36pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, I went on a blind date and we seemed to have hit it off nicely. I asked him if he could drive me home. Along the way he stopped on a pitch-black road and told me to get out so he could take a picture. He then gave me my bag and drove off, leaving me stranded in the middle of nowhere. FML
by Misshhh / 07/19/2013 at 12:02am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation
by anonymous / 07/17/2013 at 12:48am / United States (Texas) / Animals
by needsnewshorts / 07/15/2013 at 9:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 07/07/2013 at 9:58am / United States (Michigan) / Work
by SimG / 07/07/2013 at 8:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by hamburger / 07/06/2013 at 5:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
- Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick… Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to… Today, I was showing off my sexy new lingerie set to my boyfriend. While we were getting frisky, he…