About Allornone : I was born. Eventually, I will die. In the meantime, I lurk on FML.
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Allornone's favorite FMLs
Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML
by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 12:57am / United States (Missouri) / Love
by Anonymous / 03/05/2013 at 11:13am / United States (Vermont) / Animals
Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML
by littlemiss / 02/10/2013 at 11:17am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
by LucidNightmare / 01/27/2013 at 12:38am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by AnonCat / 01/20/2013 at 8:47pm / Canada (Alberta) / Animals
Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML
by Kendra_Nine / 01/16/2013 at 1:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After he left my place, I realized he took my Sonicare toothbrush because he knew that I would be more upset about missing that than our relationship. He was right. I am really upset about it. FML
by niki / 01/09/2013 at 9:37pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML
by Anonymous / 12/26/2012 at 12:18pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
by wtf / 12/17/2012 at 2:38pm / United States / Health
by Sarah / 12/17/2012 at 7:25am / United States (Georgia) / Love
Today, at the gas station, the automatic door didn't open when I approached it. I asked the cashier to open it for me, joking that because I'm a redhead, I didn't have a soul and it wouldn't open for me. The cashier freaked and wouldn't let me go until I proved I had a soul. FML
by Devil / 12/11/2012 at 1:07am / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation
Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML
by Username / 11/25/2012 at 6:36pm / United Kingdom (Newcastle upon Tyne) / Miscellaneous
Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML
by WentInABush / 11/15/2012 at 2:23am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
Today, due to a health insurance mix up, my schizophrenic girlfriend has been off her meds for a little over a week. She's convinced I can read her mind, and if I don't stop "pretending" she'll slit my throat in my sleep. Her medication won't be available for at least another two weeks. FML
by Eganstein / 11/11/2012 at 7:50pm / United States / Love