About Allornone : I was born. Eventually, I will die. In the meantime, I lurk on FML.
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You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
Allornone's favorite FMLs
by Brandon / 05/08/2016 at 10:56pm / United States (Missouri) / Love
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to clean our apartment, and then we went out to grab a bite to eat. When we returned, I found a baby's sock in the middle of the floor. Neither of us have a baby, and nobody we know does either. Now I'm just waiting for the doll-themed nightmares tonight. FML
by Squeepy / 04/09/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by now afraid... / 04/03/2016 at 1:28pm / United States (Illinois) / Love
Today, my boyfriend told me on the phone that he thought we were too poor for value-pack bacon. When I got home, I found he had gone to work leaving two lights and the TV on, and that the shower was running. He said, "Turning things on and off takes too much time! Who cares about money?" FML
by bridget1989 / 03/11/2016 at 5:03am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Money
Today, despite hints, suggestions, and even blatant criticism, my coworker refuses to believe he smells like rotten donkey nuts. He says he only needs to shower once a week, and that he doesn't believe in deodorant. I volunteered to do an extra autopsy today because the morgue smells better. FML
by ragnarok1540 / 02/17/2016 at 11:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML
by DarkChild / 02/11/2016 at 5:18pm / France / Kids
Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML
by Pithegreat / 01/05/2016 at 11:48pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by CaraMaria / 11/24/2015 at 4:02am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML
by time to buy a gun / 11/01/2015 at 11:22pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Animals
Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML
by haunted / 10/23/2015 at 4:41pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
by Gassy / 09/21/2015 at 10:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 2:31pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML
by usadisvet / 04/02/2015 at 2:43am / United States (Tennessee) / Health
by Crystal_da_thing / 01/29/2015 at 5:10am / Australia / Animals
by BlondePsycho / 12/29/2014 at 11:14pm / United States (New York) / Work