Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

by BadLuck / 12/21/2015 at 6:45am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Kids

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2015 at 3:25am / Kids

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

by 117halo12345 / 12/17/2015 at 4:37pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

by who wants spaghetti / 12/16/2015 at 10:42pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

by Starfucks / 12/16/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, my daughter asked me if we could adopt a child. I said no, since we can't afford to support another child. She then asked me if she could just adopt another dad instead. FML

by anon / 12/16/2015 at 10:28am / Australia (South Australia) / Kids

Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML

by Teacher / 12/16/2015 at 4:10am / New Zealand (Bay of Plenty) / Kids

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

by ilovekids? / 12/11/2015 at 9:05pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

by anon / 12/04/2015 at 7:32pm / United States / Kids

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

by Suckered / 12/04/2015 at 4:47pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I spoke to a highly recommended therapist for my special-needs child. After 45 minutes of describing our challenges, heartbreaks and other very personal information, she told me that her schedule was permanently full. But she invited me to go through the phone book to find someone else. FML

by Hi_Five / 12/03/2015 at 3:48pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

by jimmy / 11/30/2015 at 4:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2015 at 12:30pm / Switzerland (Fribourg) / Kids