Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

by candie / 08/26/2011 at 10:10pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

by f*ckingdisgusted / 08/26/2011 at 9:13pm / United States / Kids

Today, after 18 years of struggling to provide my daughter with the finest educational opportunities I could afford, I dropped her off to start school at the best public university in the U.S. So far the only thing she's learned is what weed smells like. FML

by BerzerkelyBongBabe / 08/23/2011 at 5:55pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

by Username / 08/23/2011 at 11:55am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I was upset after a fight with my husband, so I cried alone in the bedroom. My 4-year-old son then comes in and hugs me. I thought he was trying to comfort me, but he then told me he had to go get his quarter my husband had promised to pay him if he made me shut up. FML

by Danielle / 08/22/2011 at 3:38am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I finally realized the reason my son's grades have been dropping so much. Every time I drop him off at his tutor's house, they play Call of Duty until I pick him up. FML

by callofdutyhater / 08/21/2011 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my 4 year old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2011 at 10:08am / United States / Kids

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

by Awesome / 08/16/2011 at 8:05pm / Russian Federation / Kids

Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML

by Gross... / 08/16/2011 at 2:22am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

by ollie179 / 08/15/2011 at 3:14pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Kids

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

by Anonymous / 08/14/2011 at 3:32pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, my 14-year-old son was terrified of going into the water near our house, because he was scared of having his leg bitten off by a shark. We live by a lake. I tried explaining why it couldn't happen, but he just cowered behind a beach towel. FML

by anonymous / 08/13/2011 at 9:17pm / United States / Kids

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident. One of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "asshole" afterwards. FML

by Kathryn / 08/13/2011 at 6:31am / Belgium / Kids