Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

by Pimpleeater / 12/20/2011 at 2:45am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Kids

Today, I dropped my 7-year-old son off at school. He decided to have fun and step out of my car screaming "Stranger danger" while running away and pointing at me. I then had to get out of my car to shut the door he'd left wide open. This caused 20 other kids to scream "Stranger danger" as well. FML

by dealingdave / 12/19/2011 at 7:24am / United States (Missouri) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

by espylone / 12/17/2011 at 10:42am / France / Kids

Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

by Oily / 12/16/2011 at 4:08am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Kids

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

by Santa / 12/12/2011 at 4:45pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2011 at 1:44pm / United States / Kids

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

by childdreamkiller / 12/08/2011 at 12:41pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2011 at 4:01pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

by santashelper / 12/05/2011 at 6:32pm / United States / Kids

Today, my parents insisted that despite the fact I've just turned sixteen, I have to save them money by ordering from the children's menu, because I "still look like a twelve year old". FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2011 at 1:19pm / United States / Kids

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2011 at 1:11pm / United States / Kids

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

by perenoel / 12/03/2011 at 11:24am / France / Kids