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Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

#21489469
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24261) - you deserved it (4675)

On 11/07/2015 at 2:12am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Alaska)

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

#21489448
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26688) - you deserved it (2892)

On 11/07/2015 at 12:39am - intimacy - by sigh (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

#21488529
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22796) - you deserved it (1743)

On 11/04/2015 at 8:17pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

#21487219
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29234) - you deserved it (3168)

On 11/02/2015 at 3:01am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

#21487113
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25560) - you deserved it (6791)

On 11/01/2015 at 10:13pm - intimacy - by anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

#21486266
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24767) - you deserved it (4391)

On 10/30/2015 at 7:29pm - intimacy - by not anymore (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

#21485715
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23008) - you deserved it (6467)

On 10/29/2015 at 4:58am - intimacy - by Natasha (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML

#21485280
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26920) - you deserved it (5281)

On 10/28/2015 at 12:10am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, my two moms were telling some fairly obscene jokes about their sex life. When I told them to stop making such vulgar jokes, they turned to me and said, "What makes you think we were joking?" They then clarified that they were in fact being completely serious. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

#21483617
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29390) - you deserved it (5737) - Translated from the version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 10/23/2015 at 11:17pm - intimacy - by Walter (man) - Spain

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

#21483470
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35242) - you deserved it (2194)

On 10/23/2015 at 4:10pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (New Brunswick)

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

#21482519
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28214) - you deserved it (3448)

On 10/21/2015 at 8:12am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Philippines (Quezon City)

Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML

#21482505
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24834) - you deserved it (4402)

On 10/21/2015 at 7:18am - intimacy - by neilmalik - United States (California)



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