Today, my parents left on vacation for the week. Taking advantage of my freedom, I was planning on having my boyfriend over. My grandparents just showed up as they 'thought I would be lonely'. I can't get rid of them. Looks like I'm not having any fun this week. FML

by notsoaloneanymore / 06/17/2016 at 12:32am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, we ran out of our disposal gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

by RayniDae / 06/15/2016 at 4:08pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2016 at 10:09pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

by PerfectBoyfriend / 06/07/2016 at 12:38pm / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Intimacy

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

by PumaGator / 06/04/2016 at 4:39pm / Intimacy

Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML

by ChopSuey / 06/01/2016 at 12:02am / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2016 at 12:11pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2016 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

by tigerbyrn / 05/30/2016 at 11:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 8:06am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, I overheard my ex bragging to his buddies about how freaky his new girlfriend is, what with her animal tail butt plugs and such. Towards the end of our relationship, he called me disgusting for suggesting we spice things up with handcuffs. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2016 at 1:15pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

by thundermoo / 05/27/2016 at 12:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I realized my boyfriend's right hand gets more action in a week than I do in a month. FML

by really / 05/21/2016 at 10:23pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy