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Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

#21447824
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24322) - you deserved it (4588)

On 07/27/2015 at 12:43am - intimacy - by anon - United States

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

#21447742
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24773) - you deserved it (2418)

On 07/26/2015 at 10:02pm - intimacy - by wot02 (woman) - United States

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

#21446710
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29044) - you deserved it (4804)

On 07/24/2015 at 8:12pm - intimacy - by strangely - United States (California)

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

#21446517
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26368) - you deserved it (2540)

On 07/24/2015 at 12:44pm - intimacy - by fuck (man) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

#21446247
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24174) - you deserved it (9865)

On 07/23/2015 at 10:33pm - intimacy - by stargate25 (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, while I was at home watching Netflix, my parents drunkenly stumbled through the door making out the whole time. I thought that the situation couldn't get worse, but then my Dad asked me if I had a condom they could use. FML

Today, while working security at my job, for the second time, a man with Down's Syndrome entered the store, went to one of the demo computers, opened YouTube, pulled up a video of oiled women wrestling and jerked off. There is no protocol in the handbook for how to deal with this scenario. FML

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

#21444515
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28016) - you deserved it (7729)

On 07/20/2015 at 1:48pm - intimacy - by Marika - United States (California)

Today, I received a text with my last name spelled wrong. A short conversation revealed he got my number from me, through Tinder. I don't have an account, but he insisted he knew that I like it 'hard and rough'. He knew my first name. I still don't know how he got my phone number or name. FML

#21444252
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25638) - you deserved it (1940)

On 07/19/2015 at 11:00pm - intimacy - by creepedout (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

#21443815
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30933) - you deserved it (4283)

On 07/19/2015 at 12:36am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

#21443781
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25972) - you deserved it (1844)

On 07/18/2015 at 11:29pm - intimacy - by padthaimeanoose - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

#21443446
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26846) - you deserved it (2821)

On 07/18/2015 at 7:09am - intimacy - by henhouse - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

#21443327
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29353) - you deserved it (4524)

On 07/18/2015 at 1:00am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)



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