Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

by man / 10/30/2009 at 12:34pm / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2009 at 5:19am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

by frustrated / 10/30/2009 at 12:17am / Australia (South Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 2:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

by crazygirl / 10/29/2009 at 2:42am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

by LadySteph12 / 10/28/2009 at 8:53pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

by Moody / 10/28/2009 at 3:14pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

by timmynotjimmy / 10/27/2009 at 9:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. FML

by kjirut / 10/27/2009 at 2:49pm / Norway (Oslo) / Intimacy

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

by FYLyfer / 10/26/2009 at 5:34pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

by Shobz / 10/26/2009 at 12:04pm / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

by kl / 10/26/2009 at 2:15am / Canada (Manitoba) / Intimacy

Today, I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. FML

by Brian / 10/26/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy