Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

by whattheshit / 11/26/2009 at 9:19am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

by ehwat / 11/26/2009 at 12:31am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

by NotSoSexy / 11/25/2009 at 7:39pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

by sexyconvo / 11/25/2009 at 2:23am / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

by deathbysnoosnoo / 11/24/2009 at 4:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

by bmonehh / 11/24/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML

by rider / 11/24/2009 at 5:58am / Qatar (Ad Dawhah) / Intimacy

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2009 at 3:54am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

by bleh / 11/23/2009 at 5:29pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

by sickkid / 11/23/2009 at 1:05pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a blind date. It was going well until I brought up my views on politics. He then told me to shut up because women were incapable of intelligent thought. Then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place and have sex. FML

by OnlyIfYouLoveMe / 11/23/2009 at 12:12am / United States / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. He responded, "That's OK, but does your face have to be in them?" FML

by denise / 11/23/2009 at 12:07am / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. He ended up biting my leg. FML

by NotsexyEnough / 11/22/2009 at 10:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy