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Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

#2696
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14820) - you deserved it (65968)

On 01/26/2009 at 4:09pm - intimacy - by Boredom - United States

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

#2565
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26647) - you deserved it (6793)

On 01/25/2009 at 7:14pm - intimacy - by God hates me - United States (Texas)

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

#2509
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34892) - you deserved it (4497)

On 01/25/2009 at 8:52am - intimacy - by aces10 - United States (Michigan)

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

#2489
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38851) - you deserved it (2982)

On 01/25/2009 at 12:54am - intimacy - by cockblockingbitch - United States (Washington)

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

#2423
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36031) - you deserved it (4894)

On 01/24/2009 at 10:14am - intimacy - by asdfasdf - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

#2357
35 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12070) - you deserved it (36575)

On 01/23/2009 at 2:50pm - intimacy - by killmyself - United States (California)

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

#2349
10 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21221) - you deserved it (7250)

On 01/23/2009 at 1:51pm - intimacy - by Sleep Walking - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was doing a striptease for this guy over my webcam. I was shaking my ass while taking off my panties, but when they fell to my feet, I tripped over them and fell on my ass. FML

#2336
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6322) - you deserved it (37584)

On 01/23/2009 at 11:52am - intimacy - by sadgirl - United States (Virginia)

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

#2281
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24411) - you deserved it (9973)

On 01/23/2009 at 3:36am - intimacy - by fecurtis - United States (Virginia)

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

#2256
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51500) - you deserved it (6997)

On 01/22/2009 at 7:42pm - intimacy - by TheEnglishOne - United States (California)

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says "What's for dinner?". FML

#2177
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5598) - you deserved it (20991)

On 01/22/2009 at 11:09am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML

#2137
15 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36685) - you deserved it (1859)

On 01/22/2009 at 3:29am - intimacy - by Noname - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

#1998
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23762) - you deserved it (1299)

On 01/21/2009 at 6:22am - intimacy - by theDiva - Malta



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