Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 12:51pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

by Nomoretexting / 11/01/2009 at 12:35am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

by thornrose22 / 10/31/2009 at 8:22pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

by franzbiel / 10/31/2009 at 8:54am / Switzerland (Luzern) / Intimacy

Today, I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn't seen in ages. In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing. FML

by dtmfa / 10/31/2009 at 12:31am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

by man / 10/30/2009 at 12:34pm / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2009 at 5:19am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

by frustrated / 10/30/2009 at 12:17am / Australia (South Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 2:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

by crazygirl / 10/29/2009 at 2:42am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

by LadySteph12 / 10/28/2009 at 8:53pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

by Moody / 10/28/2009 at 3:14pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

by timmynotjimmy / 10/27/2009 at 9:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy