Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

by lonewolf2701 / 11/22/2009 at 4:15am / United States / Intimacy

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

by Arachnaphobic / 11/22/2009 at 3:35am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML

by sleepwalker / 11/21/2009 at 8:33pm / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2009 at 7:56am / Finland (Southern Finland) / Intimacy

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

by Inkabadger / 11/20/2009 at 1:41pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

by WorstMedicalBill / 11/20/2009 at 9:53am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

by pussystroker / 11/19/2009 at 12:20pm / United Kingdom (Peterborough) / Intimacy

Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2009 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I were sitting downstairs with my mom. We heard the dog running around upstairs and called it down. It came running down the stairs. With a used condom in its mouth. The same condom my girlfriend and I lost two weeks ago. It put it directly in my mom's hands. FML

by Tucker / 11/18/2009 at 4:35pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

by 3sacrowd / 11/16/2009 at 10:46pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

by loldick / 11/15/2009 at 1:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

by taurus05 / 11/13/2009 at 10:02pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

by thelistman / 11/13/2009 at 2:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy