Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

by ouch / 03/25/2010 at 4:00am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my sister's boyfriend came over to the house. I thought I would be nice and cook them both a dinner along with my own. Mine took a little longer to cook, so they ate before me and went back to her bedroom. I ate alone to the sound of them having fun. FML

by lonelyniceguy / 03/24/2010 at 7:50pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

by suckstobeme / 03/24/2010 at 11:00am / United States / Intimacy

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

by BadtoWorse / 03/23/2010 at 10:51am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

by retard99 / 03/21/2010 at 12:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. I'm really good with my mouth. Just ask anyone." FML

by drew_ar85 / 03/20/2010 at 12:30pm / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2010 at 6:05am / United Kingdom (Wakefield) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

by anonymous / 03/19/2010 at 12:11am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2010 at 6:39am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

by burgeee / 03/18/2010 at 6:24am / United Kingdom (Bristol) / Intimacy

Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML

by Username / 03/18/2010 at 4:21am / Intimacy

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

by pubes / 03/17/2010 at 9:55pm / United States (South Dakota) / Intimacy

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

by smiler / 03/17/2010 at 12:59pm / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy