By BloodyButUnbowed - 23/6/2019 12:50
Today, at my father's funeral, a stranger tried to grab me. When I held out my hand, she mugged exaggerated hurt and shrieked, "You DON'T want a HUG?" My awful aunt then guffawed, "She had her hand out! She thought she was gonna shake hands!" to get the crowd to laugh at me. At my father's funeral. FML
OP here. Sorry for being confusing. We don't have much room, so I had to condense pretty drastically. Basically, an aunt with a history of mean behavior introduced me to some random elderly relative I'd never met before, at my father's funeral. Without asking, the elderly stranger tried to hug me. I held out my hand to fend her off, which some people claim is all that's needed to escape from an...
By Mightytall - 1/6/2019 10:27
Today, I thought I had a good talk about personal hygiene and infection risk with my 6-year-old. Later, he told his mom he won’t poop any more, because his butt will "fall off." FML
Mightytall Say more :
Yay! My first ever published fml! What did I do? I showed him how to hold the paper and told him he needs to wipe with new paper until it stays clean. And that if he does not, he will run around smelly and eventually risk getting an infection. The whole time he looked me straight in the eyes and listened intently, but the only thing that really stuck was apparently the part where I said that a...
By Cat’s dildo - 29/11/2018 02:53
Today, I realized after I wrapped myself in a blanket that it was my cat's "humping blanket". FML
Alright I didn’t really wanna follow up but I need to clarify. HE IS NEUTERED he has been since we got him. Also that was my blanket but it very recently became humping blanket 2. Let’s just say he really likes soft fluffy blankets. So all of mine... (yes that’s him in my profile pic btw)
By acmariner99 - 17/11/2018 18:35 - United States - Indianapolis
Today, while enjoying a lovely 80 degree day, I returned from a 2-hour bike ride to find my truck window smashed. The only thing taken was my change of clothes. My insurance company says it'll cost $1000 to replace the window. I feel like I got robbed twice. FML
acmariner99 Say more :
OP here. Yeah, 1k is what the insurance company told me. I knew it was a ripoff and found a local repair shop to fix the window for ... much less than that. I am not sure what the thieves saw in a bag of grubby shorts and a t-shirt, but that’s what they took. And why the f am listed as being in Indianapolis, I live nowhere near there. LOL.
By HowBoutNo - 8/11/2018 05:00
Today, I got a few splinters at work. In the middle of trying to remove them, my coworkers noticed and decided to "help". Ten minutes later, the splinters are gone and so is the random mole on my palm I've had my whole life. My hand hurts. FML
Roroma Say more :
Hey OP here it’s my FML but it won’t let me log into my account so I’m using this old one. My hand was a little infected but it’s all healed now so now worries. The mole’s gone af though...
By nothingpersonalmate - 4/11/2018 05:10
Today, my mom decided to let my sandwich spoil instead of refrigerating it. I spent half an hour vomiting and my mom thinks it's funny. FML
Hello all, I only mashed the keyboard for the password on my old account and have now made this. Anyway, I may have left something out here: this was not my sandwich and I'd crashed out and can't refridgerate it. As I was going to get my own food, my mom told me don't bother, I will get you a sandwich. How nice! I crashed instead. But I did not know that she wanted to leave the house so badly she just...
By FudgeThePolice - 4/11/2018 03:48 - United Kingdom - Bradford
Today, a woman walked in with her dog into a pet-free zone of my restaurant. When I politely told her that she would have to move, she told me she had a guide dog and would be calling her lawyer. I lost my job by the end of the night because she thinks dog vests are cruel. FML
FudgeThePolice Say more :
Yo, I’m the OP, I hope the mods of the site will be able to connect me to this story! Since people think I’m being ignorant etc, I decided to make this account to clear things up. First of all, I am fully aware that medically service dogs are allowed basically anywhere - I’ve got friends and family who have a variety of difficult needs and their dogs are a great help. The issue of this whole...
By screwedover - 27/10/2018 14:09 - Australia
Today, 4 weeks after I told my housemate I was moving out, she told me she expects me to continue paying rent beyond when I leave, despite giving her plenty of notice. Now I'm dealing with lawyers and it's more drama than I can handle. FML
RAlyf Say more :
OP here. I was on the lease. I was approved to go off the lease, as someone else was moving into the house. 3 bedroom house, 2 people on the lease, I move out, someone else moves in. The real estate agent changed his mind about me going off the lease because the new chick wasn’t going into my room - which he can’t actually do - and the lease doesn’t specify who is in which room. The real estate...
By avertle - 18/10/2018 20:30
Today, I got home from a long, stressful day at class to hear my grandma screaming from inside the barn. I quickly dropped all my things and ran in to see what was going on. Did something fall on her? Was there an animal attacking the horses? No. A pigeon had gotten into the barn. I had to chase it out. FML
avertle Say more :
OP here. I probably should’ve clarified this- she is not afraid of birds. The barn always has pigeons in it. She wasn’t afraid of the pigeon. The pigeon had gotten into a separate part of the barn that it isn’t supposed to be in. She was trying to get it out and decided the best way to do that was scream like a banshee until it left, which only made problems worse.
By Anonymous - 16/10/2018 17:58
Today, just after letting my dogs inside, I took a shower. As soon as I left the bathroom, I stepped in a very nice present left by my dog, a pile of warm crap. After getting that mess cleaned up, I walked into the hallway just to slip in a puddle of piss. FML
Good Boy Say more :
I'm the OP, but I made an account to comment. My dogs are trained, but the only thing I can assume is that they are in the middle of territory war or something cause it's only 1 dog doing it, and it started happening recently.
By SonofMnemosyne - 16/10/2018 17:52
Today, while going to visit my father, I got out of the car and put my iPad on the roof to grab my bags. My mom drove off before I could get it. FML
SonofMnemosyne Say more :
OP here... My mom was in a rush because she was dropping me off before she took my sister to the hospital for a really bad cough which made it hard to breathe for her. She's better now. I didn't find the IPad, but I got a new one the week after as an early birthday present from my grandparents.
By InnocenceBlue - 13/10/2018 18:50
Today, a creepy-looking guy asked me if I "like bananas" and I said no. He then followed with "Do you want to taste my banana?" Shocked by his boldness, I froze. My boyfriend, who had heard the entire exchange, just laughed and walked off, leaving me with the creeper. FML
InnocenceBlue Say more :
Hi guys, OP here. I am no longer with this guy, for many reasons but this was a huge one. Not the first time something like this has happened. To answer any queries, I have anxiety, mainly towards surprises/shocks and this was one hell of a surprise. My ex knew I have "issues" and disappeared into the crowd (this was at a nightclub) knowing I wasn't following. Thanks for the funny replies and support...
By hotmama - 6/10/2018 22:05
Today, I just hit 41 weeks pregnant. Today is also the day my AC decided to die. I live in Florida, where it's hot WITH the AC on. This is gonna be fun. FML
wolfygirl626 Say more :
op here! i submitted this two weeks ago and every thing is fine now, did get induced about four days later. since this is my first baby, it was expected of me to go over the due date :P we're both happy, healthy, and chilling with the new window ac.
By ThePaaaaaain - 5/10/2018 19:38
Today, the chronic nerve inflammation in my right arm decided to come back with vengeance. Anti-inflammatory drugs don't help me anymore and the school year hasn't even started yet. I'm studying illustration. FML
Zivc Say more :
OP here :) Had to make an account to say - thank you! Talked to my mother and it seems she also has her nerve pinched at the elbow so I guess I inherited it. Unfortunately, looking at my chosen field :P And I've already spent 3 years studying, I am definetly NOT giving up now just because of some stupid uncooperative arm. Also because university here is free, but only if you finish it on the first...
By Anonymous - 3/10/2018 01:19
Today, as I was taking a time out to decompress after a fight with my boyfriend, I woke up from a nap to discover him making plans to move me and our cats back to New York. I moved over 1300 miles to be here and we own a house together. Today is our anniversary. FML
Hey, im the OP! i finally got an fml posted. this might be a bit long. my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. he moved down here to work in the oil industry and i had followed suit about 8 months later. i suffer from depression and anxiety, moving away from my support system back home was hard but i also left behind a toxic home environment so that was a plus. the thing that bothered...
By NotaSinglePringle - 28/9/2018 17:36
Today, my husband and I were unable to exchange rings at our marriage ceremony as his ring was still out being resized. We had continuously waited for the store to call, and had reluctantly decided to just do the ceremony without. As we sat down to lunch after, they called. It was ready. FML
I am not sure how to connect my account to this FML since I apparently submitted it anonymously, but it was a tungsten ring so they apparently can’t be shaped like most gold or silver rings; they have to be made in the correct size and once made cannot be changed (at least according to the sales associate). They had made his the wrong size, even tho I asked multiple times to make sure they wrote down...
By Anonymous - 27/9/2018 19:37
Today, while picking up my dog from the groomer, the back of my hand accidentally brushed against the entire side of her boob. She stopped talking mid-sentence. I'm going to need to find a new groomer. FML
OP here. Just to clarify...I have a little 7 lb dog & the groomer was holding her. I reached to take her & the groomer turned sideways which is how my hand brushed her boob. And of course I apologized!!!! I'm a woman by the way so it wasn't a man on woman grope or anything --- still awkward and embarrassing. I love this groomer though so I will probably suck up the awkwardness and be more...
By vegantreegirl - 25/9/2018 00:46
Today, my toilet has been draining slowly, if at all, for days. I finally got someone to agree to come look at it. They never showed up. I had to pee in a bush in my yard. FML
vegantreegirl Say more :
So, wow. I was not expecting this to get published. I forgot I had posted this to FML. haha The thing is the septic system is completely broken. It's old and needs to be replaced badly, so it effects everything from the toilet to the sinks and shower. But my landlord/slum lord won't shell out the cash which would be fine if the septic system was pumped monthly but it's often not. I guess I could have...
By ChromoTec - 24/9/2018 22:38
Today, despite being the president of the Japanese club at my school since it started, my mom will not let me go on a school-sponsored trip to Japan. She's worried that North Korea will fire a missile at Japan while I'm there. FML
ChromoTec Say more :
Hey, OP here. I couldn't fit everything inside the 300-character limit, so I'll just explain it here. She says we don't have the money to go, which currently we don't, but she refused all of my fundraising ideas and made me take down my GoFundMe page, and since she doesn't let me get a job either, I'm stuck with no way to pay for it. I've tried again and again to get her to let me go, but she won't...
By lifeis4me - 24/9/2018 22:38
Today, I found out that even though I’m a wonderful singer, my choir teacher gave me a B in the class because I didn’t have “enough facial expression”. I got marked down for a resting bitch face without a warning. FML
lifeis4me Say more :
OP here. Yeah, I understand that facial expression is part of being a performer. My problem was that she never said anything to me before (no warning). Also, there’s a bunch of my peers don’t sing at all or they’re just playing/laughing, yet they have A’s
By KindaObvious - 21/9/2018 16:02 - United States - Henderson

ALWAYS KNOCK

Today, I got screamed at on the toilet for telling the person who walked in on me to shut the door. My pants were around my ankles, I was holding a tampon, and the door was wide open as my mom and sister ran over to help. FML
Watermania Say more :
Believe it or not, I'm OP and this was posted on my tablet, I'm on my phone now (I'll post a picture of the other account if u don't believe me). Anyways, we were staying with a bitter old woman who believes "everything I do is right" (her words). She started screaming at me for being "disrespectful". This isn't the first occurrence of her messing with me only, and she's even purposely burned my food...