Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

by anon / 05/02/2011 at 6:58am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

by Burnt / 05/02/2011 at 5:33am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

by Jordan / 04/30/2011 at 3:52pm / United States / Health

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2011 at 3:03pm / United States (Kentucky) / Health

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML

by Laci / 04/30/2011 at 1:50pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

by greenintheface / 04/30/2011 at 2:27am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

by Username / 04/30/2011 at 12:49am / United States / Health

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

by me / 04/30/2011 at 12:25am / United States / Health

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

by thanksmom / 04/29/2011 at 9:00pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML

by Wtf / 04/29/2011 at 12:09pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

by cnamobi / 04/28/2011 at 12:51pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

by c.m.g. / 04/27/2011 at 6:50am / Health

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

by rockyrocket / 04/26/2011 at 3:19pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.