Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

by Madi Jenna / 05/04/2011 at 1:31pm / United States / Health

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He parked his truck and reached in his door side pocket and grabbed a little black zippered bag. Seeing this, I burst out laughing saying, "Wow, what's that, your change purse?" He replied, "No, I'm diabetic, this is my blood sugar monitor." FML

by Cuppycake / 05/04/2011 at 1:33am / Canada / Health

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

by Username / 05/03/2011 at 3:51pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

by CRH / 05/03/2011 at 11:41am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

by wtf1234 / 05/02/2011 at 9:41pm / United States / Health

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2011 at 1:43pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I was so sick that I was puking and had the runs. While on the toilet, I yelled for my boyfriend to get me a bowl to puke in. As I did so, I saw that a ton of it was forming on the floor in dots. My boyfriend had given me a spaghetti strainer. FML

by megomania / 05/02/2011 at 9:51am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

by anon / 05/02/2011 at 6:58am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

by Burnt / 05/02/2011 at 5:33am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

by Jordan / 04/30/2011 at 3:52pm / United States / Health

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2011 at 3:03pm / United States (Kentucky) / Health

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML

by Laci / 04/30/2011 at 1:50pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

by greenintheface / 04/30/2011 at 2:27am / United States (Michigan) / Health