Today, my girlfriend and I were both at home, sick. We decided to make the best of it and spent the day in bed together. Things got a little steamy, and we started making out. As I started kissing her neck, I got nauseous. Before I could pull away, I threw up all over her. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2011 at 5:51pm / Canada (Northwest Territories) / Health

Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

by DMStarsky / 10/21/2011 at 1:19pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

by box bulge / 10/20/2011 at 9:24pm / China / Health

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

by socal000 / 10/20/2011 at 8:04am / United States / Health

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2011 at 4:35pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, for our 3rd anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

by stdpositivenow / 10/18/2011 at 10:16am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, it's my sister's birthday. My parents got her a cat. I have serious allergies when it comes to cats. When I brought this issue up with my parents, they replied, "This day is not about you, it's about your sister." I can feel my throat tightening already. FML

by Cats...FML / 10/17/2011 at 7:46am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

by blarp / 10/17/2011 at 12:20am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

by kp / 10/16/2011 at 8:47pm / Australia / Health

Today, I went to visit my grandpa. He has an easily excited dog, who barreled into my freshly broken knee. I felt my knee move out of place again. The dog chipped a tooth. We went to the vet first. FML

by KilteDKilleR / 10/15/2011 at 10:02am / United States (Utah) / Health

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

by Nixontones / 10/14/2011 at 11:09am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2011 at 8:07pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML

by omgreally91 / 10/12/2011 at 7:39pm / United States / Health