Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

by Courtney / 11/12/2011 at 4:13pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

by apparentfatty / 11/11/2011 at 6:50am / Canada / Health

Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML

by devinchi / 11/11/2011 at 3:42am / United States / Health

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

by stinkypants / 11/09/2011 at 10:15pm / India / Health

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2011 at 11:41pm / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I picked up a broken piece of seemingly velvety cactus to show my mom. I now have a million microscopic, painful splinters in my fingers. FML

by OhHeySlogan / 11/06/2011 at 1:24pm / United States (Texas) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

by panickygrl / 11/06/2011 at 12:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

by Shelbs / 11/05/2011 at 7:35pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

by rj93 / 11/05/2011 at 9:43am / United Kingdom (Ballymena) / Health

Today, it was my first time taking blood on the ward. The doctor saw that I was nervous and gave me a violent old man with schizophrenia who thought I was there to kill him. FML

by sakura_girl / 11/04/2011 at 7:59am / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got my period. Last week, I fell out of a window and landed between my legs on a bush; I have massive swelling down there, and stitches over the ripped flesh. Now I'm bleeding out my period on top of the lingering wounds down there. It hurts even to pee, let alone menstruate. FML

by stitchesupmyass / 11/01/2011 at 5:50pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

by pain / 11/01/2011 at 10:52am / United States / Health

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

by loves the smell of burning flesh / 11/01/2011 at 9:22am / United States (California) / Health