Today, while on the roof of my friend's house, I took a shortcut down by jumping onto the roof of his nearby shed. Not only did I go right through it and hurt my arm, I've also received several calls from my friend's dad, demanding I pay for the damage. FML

by IronFoot / 08/13/2011 at 10:41pm / Canada / Health

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

by ThisGuy97 / 08/12/2011 at 4:46pm / United States / Health

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

by teeth / 08/10/2011 at 1:00pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

by auntoftheyear / 08/10/2011 at 12:46am / United States (Louisiana) / Health

Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

by anonymous / 08/08/2011 at 10:01pm / United States / Health

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

by Kathryn / 08/08/2011 at 7:58pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

by oops / 08/08/2011 at 2:11pm / South Africa (Eastern Cape) / Health

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

by LH0026 / 08/06/2011 at 5:28am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

by laurlaur / 08/05/2011 at 5:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

by Username / 08/05/2011 at 3:06pm / United States / Health

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

by jbthedude / 08/05/2011 at 5:57am / United Kingdom (Dorset) / Health

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

by indierocklove / 08/03/2011 at 12:55pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 10:52am / United States (Texas) / Health