Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

by OH COME ON / 12/29/2011 at 10:48am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

by Girl-of-very-little-brain / 12/29/2011 at 7:01am / Canada / Health

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

by garfield749 / 12/29/2011 at 12:53am / United States / Health

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

by Fatty / 12/28/2011 at 2:57am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

by loveurlifejk / 12/28/2011 at 1:32am / United States / Health

Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML

by themuffinman / 12/27/2011 at 10:15am / Japan / Health

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

by somewhatlucky / 12/27/2011 at 4:42am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

by dumbbb / 12/27/2011 at 3:30am / United States / Health

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2011 at 2:28am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

by Sleep Deprived / 12/25/2011 at 12:27am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

by AllergyRidden / 12/24/2011 at 5:05pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2011 at 9:49pm / Australia / Health

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

by justnance / 12/22/2011 at 1:04pm / United Kingdom (London) / Health