Today, my reflexes kicked in when I saw a hot glue gun falling. FML

by ghostninja4593 / 12/01/2016 at 10:48pm / United States (Iowa) / Health

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

by KereKris / 12/01/2016 at 2:18pm / Health

Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2016 at 5:48am / Health

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2016 at 8:48pm / Health

Today, safety inspectors have deemed our basement unfit to serve as a bedroom due to a fire hazard. Our bed is now in the living room. FML

Today, my roommates told me about all the stupid and embarrassing things I did last night, none of which I remember. Drunk out of my mind? No, I just tried a new sleeping pill after weeks of insomnia. I still barely slept. FML

by Sleepless Dreams / 11/28/2016 at 11:42pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML

by Lepisma / 11/27/2016 at 2:22am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. Guess I know the answer. FML

by LonelyAngel22 / 11/24/2016 at 3:10am / Health

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

by Allergies suck / 11/22/2016 at 10:33am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

by Bawsack / 11/22/2016 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Health

Today, my wife and I both got released from the hospital. She was admitted for the birth of our daughter. I was admitted with a broken arm from when my mother-in-law shoved me out of the way because she wanted to be the first one to hold the baby after my wife. FML

by Crazy In-Laws / 11/20/2016 at 5:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly born ones. FML

by inthesticks / 11/19/2016 at 1:21am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

by ribx / 11/17/2016 at 6:24am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Health