Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

by JustWashedTheseJeans / 10/24/2016 at 9:05pm / Miscellaneous

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

by upset / 10/24/2016 at 8:08pm / Animals

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

by cheekymonkey97 / 10/24/2016 at 12:48pm / Intimacy

Today, while changing my tampon in a public restroom, a toddler crawled under the door of my stall and asked what I was doing. I had to wait until I'd finished to open the door and let her out. FML

by 2young4birds&bees / 10/24/2016 at 11:53am / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

by Zooep / 10/24/2016 at 9:54am / Animals

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

by lily_marleen / 10/24/2016 at 8:58am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

by bandeek / 10/23/2016 at 2:52pm / Intimacy

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

by Carolyn Burnham / 10/23/2016 at 11:23am / Love

Today, I woke up 2 hours early to go to the physical therapist my doctor referred me to. She did confirm physical therapy will help, but she doesn't treat my issue. She’s also the only person in my city who takes my insurance. FML

by Confused / 10/23/2016 at 1:05am / Health

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

by Lucachoo / 10/21/2016 at 1:16am / Love

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

by Pudgymom / 10/20/2016 at 10:08pm / Health

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

by temp / 10/20/2016 at 8:36pm / Work

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML