Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

by GoodDog / 09/09/2009 at 9:21am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 12:27am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

by Goodie / 09/09/2009 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

by whyme27 / 09/08/2009 at 10:41pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting on my boyfriends lap and we were hanging out, talking, and enjoying each other's company. Then he looked into my eyes and right when I thought he was going to kiss me, he said "I can feel your heartbeat on my dick." FML

by awkwardbf / 09/08/2009 at 9:26pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML

by firefighter / 09/08/2009 at 6:10pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML

by TRAMATIZED / 09/08/2009 at 6:08pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2009 at 4:48pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Work

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

by NoMoreHeadphones / 09/08/2009 at 3:32pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

by HotToTrotskyite / 09/08/2009 at 1:30pm / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up, took a shower, made some pasta, drank 3 glasses of water and brushed my teeth. I then left my apartment to see signs posted all over warning us not to use the water without boiling it because the water company just found E-coli in the water. FML

by UhOhhhh / 09/08/2009 at 1:29pm / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, it was raining. I was out walking with my girlfriend, and decided it would be cute if we did a bit of dancing in the rain. As I was swinging her around, I swung her head against a lamp post. She broke up with me. FML

by Charlie / 09/08/2009 at 6:46am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML

by h0308 / 09/08/2009 at 5:07am / United Kingdom (Milton Keynes) / Work