Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

by kookoocatlady / 11/01/2016 at 12:31am / Animals

Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML

by meh / 10/31/2016 at 11:43am / Work

Today, it's Halloween and my boss changed his mind at the last minute, telling us we're no longer allowed to carve pumpkins in our lunch hour because, "It would be too distracting". What are we supposed to do with 12 pumpkins now? FML

by nohalloweenforus / 10/31/2016 at 11:22am / Work

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

by Crazy Cat-less Lady / 10/31/2016 at 12:38am / Love

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

by Boobs McGee / 10/30/2016 at 10:48pm / Transportation

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

by marenthehollow / 10/30/2016 at 8:33pm / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

by Sarah_Mow / 10/27/2016 at 10:31pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

by ElizaWy / 10/26/2016 at 11:52am / Health

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

by HeadStillHurts / 10/26/2016 at 7:43am / Miscellaneous

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

by Angel / 10/25/2016 at 4:54pm / Kids

Today, like most days, my cat tried to wake me up with a gentle, fluffy paw pat on my nose. This morning, however, he managed to get his claw caught inside my nostril. FML

by JackNicholsonInChinatown / 10/24/2016 at 10:58pm / Animals

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

by JustWashedTheseJeans / 10/24/2016 at 9:05pm / Miscellaneous

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

by upset / 10/24/2016 at 8:08pm / Animals