Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

by turnoff / 09/17/2009 at 12:42am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

by justplainsad / 09/17/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

by Lulu / 09/16/2009 at 10:23pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

by Kat / 09/16/2009 at 10:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to drink the most vile and disgusting medicinal treatments I could ever imagine. Then I had to drink it again when I threw up the first batch. FML

by megs2129 / 09/16/2009 at 5:28pm / United States (New York) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at a stop light when I saw a cute police officer at the light across the intersection. Trying to be cute as I drove by, I turned and winked and waved. The car in front of me stopped, I rear ended them and then got rear ended. The cute cop winked back, then wrote me a ticket. FML

by Jennnn / 09/16/2009 at 4:08pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

by interviewed / 09/16/2009 at 6:37am / United States / Work

Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML

by fobfan14 / 09/16/2009 at 6:37am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

by omgstfuplz / 09/16/2009 at 4:38am / United States (Mississippi) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

by FlipYoC / 09/16/2009 at 2:15am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend got pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license. Instead of getting my car impounded, his friend thought he'd do me a favor and drive it back to me. He doesn't know how to drive stick and blew my engine. My boyfriend is in jail and I no longer have a car. FML

by takingthebus / 09/16/2009 at 2:12am / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I am still coughing. I was diagnosed with whooping cough last week, which apparently cannot be treated. Basically, it appears I'm a 19th century English peasant. FML

by Anonymous / 09/16/2009 at 1:33am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I was napping with my boyfriend and his dog. The dog was making odd coughing noises, but my boyfriend refused to kick him out of the bed. A few moments later, I rolled onto my stomach, into a pile of dog vomit. FML

by Brinty / 09/15/2009 at 10:43pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals