Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

by bzygirl / 09/26/2009 at 5:23pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2009 at 4:28pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

by grossgross / 09/26/2009 at 2:21pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

by Amberizzle / 09/26/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2009 at 10:24am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

by desperate / 09/26/2009 at 10:15am / Denmark (Staden Kobenhavn) / Miscellaneous

Today, after the most stressful two weeks of my life, I finally found a few minutes to sit down with a relaxing cup of tea. I went to take a sip, sneezed, smashed the mug into my nose, and dumped scalding hot tea all over my face and cleavage. FML

by pygmalion / 09/26/2009 at 6:39am / United Kingdom (Belfast) / Miscellaneous

Today, an old friend that I never really liked invited me to lunch while she was in town. While driving back to her car, I couldn't find my phone, so she offered to call it. She found it under the passenger seat and also saw that when she called, her name came up as "Sabrina-IGNORE". FML

by veggocake / 09/26/2009 at 4:05am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, waiting for the bus, this creepy guy in the terminal kept staring at me. Feeling creeped out, I started walking, knowing I could pick up the bus down the street. When the bus drove up, it was almost completely full and the only open seat was next to the creepy dude from the bus station. FML

by WhyMe / 09/25/2009 at 11:54pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was trying to sneak up my husband while he was playing a computer game. As I was getting behind the chair, he paused the game and sat up straight. I stopped. He turned around and sneezed violently and blew a bunch of snot into my face and eyes. FML

by snottyface / 09/25/2009 at 11:47pm / United States / Health

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2009 at 11:15pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2009 at 6:53pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a club with my friends. I noticed the bouncer looked at me strangely. Then he erupts and screams, "you're the bitch who caused havoc and £255 damage to the cloakroom, pay up or I'll call the fuzz!" Little did I know my 15-year-old sister stole my ID last weekend. FML

by busted / 09/25/2009 at 4:24pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Miscellaneous