Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2009 at 5:20pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

by greasyhair / 09/07/2009 at 4:25pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

by AH / 09/07/2009 at 2:16pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

by SingleGirl / 09/07/2009 at 11:39am / United Kingdom (York) / Love

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend. There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. When we came out we got weird looks. It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2009 at 10:25am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

by GasAttack / 09/07/2009 at 9:32am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

by misstree / 09/07/2009 at 4:23am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a look at my boyfriend's videocamera. On it were several videos of me on the toilet. My boyfriend has been hiding the videocamera in the bathroom airvent, and taping me taking dumps for the past three months. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2009 at 2:05am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

by EyesOffMe / 09/07/2009 at 12:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

by effmylife / 09/06/2009 at 7:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, my friends and I went to the beach and we were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I notice a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2009 at 7:09pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2009 at 5:50pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

by mandinga / 09/06/2009 at 5:35pm / United States (New York) / Love