Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

by BEE / 10/10/2009 at 6:35pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

by Anonymous / 10/10/2009 at 5:53pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I rear-ended a car on the parkway. We pulled over, the guy told me his car was fine, and then asked me out on a date. It was only when I replied "no" that he decided he wanted his car fixed. FML

by creepermagnet / 10/10/2009 at 3:16pm / United States (Missouri) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

by kissless / 10/10/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Maine) / Love

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

by Anonymous / 10/10/2009 at 1:53pm / United Kingdom (West Berkshire) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

by Taraa3 / 10/10/2009 at 6:19am / United Kingdom (Hartlepool) / Intimacy

Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML

by Anonymous / 10/10/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Alabama) / Love

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2009 at 6:58pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that the excessive groin sweating I've been trying to deal with for weeks isn't groin sweating. It's a slow and steady stream of urine that I have no control over. FML

by lizzzie / 10/09/2009 at 5:25pm / United Kingdom (Dorset) / Health

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

by Unlucky / 10/09/2009 at 3:52pm / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2009 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (Greater London) / Animals

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

by TasedAndDazed / 10/09/2009 at 11:05am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

by jane / 10/09/2009 at 10:04am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous