Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother. And my mom texted me asking me to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

by this_is_fucked / 10/24/2009 at 5:23pm / Zimbabwe (Mashonaland East) / Intimacy

Today, I was having a nice moment with my granddaughter as she was being affectionate by stroking my face. We were both quite content, until she said, "Aw, Grandma, your skin feels just like a crocodile." FML

by Granny / 10/24/2009 at 5:14pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Kids

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

by sexyswollen / 10/24/2009 at 1:14pm / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that when you're the maid of honor giving a toast at your best friend's wedding, it's important to make sure the zipper on your dress is secured. Otherwise, your bare breasts and Hello Kitty panties could end up exposed to a wedding party of 600 people. FML

by meg265 / 10/24/2009 at 12:11pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

by HungryGirl / 10/24/2009 at 10:45am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was informed by my next door neighbor that they heard me singing in the shower last night. I laughed and she told me that the family gathers in their upstairs room closest to my bathroom window to guess which song I'm singing. Every night. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2009 at 6:27am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was playing Farmville all day, and I was really into the game. I was getting phone calls all day, but I kept ignoring them cause I was making so much Farm Money. Come to find out it was my son's school. He fell off the jungle gym and broke his arm. FML

by stewhart / 10/24/2009 at 3:25am / United States (Alabama) / Kids

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

by Clunker / 10/24/2009 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

by Marcella / 10/24/2009 at 12:49am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

by Brinty / 10/24/2009 at 12:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

by Anonymous / 10/23/2009 at 10:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/23/2009 at 8:40pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard whimpering while I was in my bedroom. Thinking it was my parents doing something nasty, I let them do it and turned on my music. My parents came home from work and I realised they were never home. I went into the room and saw my dead dog laying on the floor. FML

by ashleyramsay / 10/23/2009 at 3:13pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Love