Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

by carsuck / 11/11/2009 at 12:55am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 7:28pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got wasted at a party and went out to my car to get something. I went back to the house and realized I got locked out. After knocking on the door, ringing the doorbell, and shouting "LET ME INNNN" my friend called and asked where I was. That's when I realized I was at the wrong house. FML

by Abby / 11/10/2009 at 7:10pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

by mhmohyeah / 11/10/2009 at 6:05pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

by GillyPirate / 11/10/2009 at 6:04pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

by PiaNO / 11/10/2009 at 4:41pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

by jobless / 11/10/2009 at 2:16pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 12:53pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

by ughhhh / 11/10/2009 at 12:04pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML

by notgreg / 11/10/2009 at 10:59am / United States (California) / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

by Volume_control / 11/10/2009 at 9:41am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

by Uh-oh / 11/10/2009 at 7:33am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

by vanessa_d15 / 11/10/2009 at 4:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy